You'll always be missed

"Why stay stuck in the city
when you can go on treasure hunting
in the forest."

You put it as a caption of a picture you posted on your Instagram.
I remember that day. The day when the orientation week just started. I've known you before, even since high school year, eventho we went to different high schools. I forgot my first impression of you, I didn't remember how can we got to know each other. I think we didn't introduce ourselves, we just knew each other because we were hanging with the same group of people.

We weren't really close. Even when we were finally being classmates, we weren't really close. But I always have one thing to describe you since I've known you: you are really pretty. I remember one Saturday night when we accidentally met at the mall, you showed up with your boyfriend saying hi to us. And you looked fascinating, it made me ashamed a little bit. Because I was wearing an oversized tshirt with jeans and slip-on, while you looked fabulous from the head to your toe, you looked like a girl that came up right from the magazine I usually read.

I always have things to envy over you. Every piece of clothes looks good on you. You know how to put make up, something that I, as a girl, never touch. You do fashion well. It confuses me why didn't you go to fashion school or such thing.

You were so funny. Everybody loves you. People always have something to laugh about you. You, a girl who skipped classes quite often. Who always forgot to do assignments. Who got lecturers mad at you because you were such a mess and sometimes people just misunderstood your "shut-up-bitch-i-dont-give-a-f*ck" face.

You gave me a picture of you smiling, something that rarely happens―you, taking a selfie with smiles, because straight face suits you well―for my 18th birthday, a present, you said. You threw compliments with your own way, you talked straight to the point. Like the day when I wore blazer to campus for the very first time and you shouted to me "you look so pretty!" but I was like "what..." and then you just "what? you never been told that you are pretty?!" and you were the first person who said my new haircut was good.

It is funny because I never thought I will post this kind of post, I never thought that I will post something about you. But all of us here still hoping that this is just a joke, it feels unreal.
You'll always be missed.
You'll always be a part of us.
How is it there so far?
Have you found the treasures yet?

Ervita Putri Azanti
17/06/1995 - 13/05/2014

Trapped

It's raining for a whole day. I skipped microeconomics class, instead I laid on the couch watching Adventure Time and having warm soy milk mom bought for me all morning. I felt a little break-down yesterday, but I kinda felt so wrong too. And this feeling hasn't leave me until today.

I saw someone is on her way chasing her dream and she is so close already. I supposed to feel happy for her since she is my friend, but I just can't. I feel pathetic. I have so many dreams, I wrote them down, I hung them on my wall, I mentioned them in every single pray, but I realized: I never really do something. I never really do something to get closer to those dreams. This year I'm going 19, and then 20, then 21 then so on. All that I got are failures. Doors closed. Big white walls to blocked me. I'm such a moron.

I'm trapped. Trapped in this small city while my mind keeps drifting away, it kills me. Sometimes I get fed up with the sidewalks, the trees, the places. Sometimes I feel so strange, I don't get those people. Sometimes I want to know how it feels like to miss home so badly until I can't hold my feet from heading to the airport. Sometimes I want to know how it feels being a hundred thousand miles away from here, meeting new faces, dress up wearing knee boots and fur coat walking down the street, dye my hair with shcoking colors I don't care I'll be look like an asian nicki minaj they don't know who I am anyway. This city reminds me so many painful things, things I want to let go. I want to try to be somebody new, starting over, people have no idea about who I was. I want to speak another languages, I want to get off my roots for awhile.








Why can't I?
Why don't you let my feet go?

"...but at the time, I just saw Alaska up there. And it was big, just like I wanted to be. And it was damn far away from Vine Station, Alabama, just like I wanted to be."
Looking For Alaska ; page 53

dear you, a happy happy person you

It's been months I'm not posting anything here. I don't even have time for naps lately /sobs/
Well, I got some days off for this week (days off during mid term week - doesn't it sound awesome? yea) and I think I have to clear these spiderwebs out of my page :0

Ok. Here we go.
I scrolled down this blog and realized something: all the stuff I've posted were sad and blue and boring. I started thinking "god I sound like moaning myrtle all the time"
Then, considering a few things, I decided to post something different and (actually) doesn't sound like me, I basically hate this thing.
I hate cheesy thing.

I've fallen for someone lately.


Yes, yes, I'm living the life where I keep listening to catchy love songs, dreaming about the same person quite often, replying my conversation with this person over and over again inside my head everytime I'm on a daydream, and etc etc.
God, really, I don't know what am I talking about.
I found this crush stuff is pretty fascinating. You know, it is not something serious that makes you wondering all the time, but makes you happier instead. I'm a happier person everytime he is around me and I'm still that happy person when he is not. This feels so light, so easy, like I found my favorite flavor of candy.
I love to listen to his hummings when he is in the middle of something, and I fall asleep smiling remembering those hummings at night. I laugh at stupid things he did, in every five minutes when we meet. I'm keeping the picture of us only for myself, I didn't put it in anywhere or show it to anyone but my close friends. Yep, those super silly things. I remember when I can literally hear my heart beat when he stood so close to me that day behind the whiteboard.

You are a sweet sweet person, you made that peanut butter cookies for everyone.
You said you love math and cooking, two things that I'm not really good at. But that's ok.
You love books I love books God please don't call this a coincidence.
You look good in pink I swear.
Now I remember what is your smile remind me of:


sunflowers!