Trapped

It's raining for a whole day. I skipped microeconomics class, instead I laid on the couch watching Adventure Time and having warm soy milk mom bought for me all morning. I felt a little break-down yesterday, but I kinda felt so wrong too. And this feeling hasn't leave me until today.

I saw someone is on her way chasing her dream and she is so close already. I supposed to feel happy for her since she is my friend, but I just can't. I feel pathetic. I have so many dreams, I wrote them down, I hung them on my wall, I mentioned them in every single pray, but I realized: I never really do something. I never really do something to get closer to those dreams. This year I'm going 19, and then 20, then 21 then so on. All that I got are failures. Doors closed. Big white walls to blocked me. I'm such a moron.

I'm trapped. Trapped in this small city while my mind keeps drifting away, it kills me. Sometimes I get fed up with the sidewalks, the trees, the places. Sometimes I feel so strange, I don't get those people. Sometimes I want to know how it feels like to miss home so badly until I can't hold my feet from heading to the airport. Sometimes I want to know how it feels being a hundred thousand miles away from here, meeting new faces, dress up wearing knee boots and fur coat walking down the street, dye my hair with shcoking colors I don't care I'll be look like an asian nicki minaj they don't know who I am anyway. This city reminds me so many painful things, things I want to let go. I want to try to be somebody new, starting over, people have no idea about who I was. I want to speak another languages, I want to get off my roots for awhile.








Why can't I?
Why don't you let my feet go?

"...but at the time, I just saw Alaska up there. And it was big, just like I wanted to be. And it was damn far away from Vine Station, Alabama, just like I wanted to be."
Looking For Alaska ; page 53

dear you, a happy happy person you

It's been months I'm not posting anything here. I don't even have time for naps lately /sobs/
Well, I got some days off for this week (days off during mid term week - doesn't it sound awesome? yea) and I think I have to clear these spiderwebs out of my page :0

Ok. Here we go.
I scrolled down this blog and realized something: all the stuff I've posted were sad and blue and boring. I started thinking "god I sound like moaning myrtle all the time"
Then, considering a few things, I decided to post something different and (actually) doesn't sound like me, I basically hate this thing.
I hate cheesy thing.

I've fallen for someone lately.


Yes, yes, I'm living the life where I keep listening to catchy love songs, dreaming about the same person quite often, replying my conversation with this person over and over again inside my head everytime I'm on a daydream, and etc etc.
God, really, I don't know what am I talking about.
I found this crush stuff is pretty fascinating. You know, it is not something serious that makes you wondering all the time, but makes you happier instead. I'm a happier person everytime he is around me and I'm still that happy person when he is not. This feels so light, so easy, like I found my favorite flavor of candy.
I love to listen to his hummings when he is in the middle of something, and I fall asleep smiling remembering those hummings at night. I laugh at stupid things he did, in every five minutes when we meet. I'm keeping the picture of us only for myself, I didn't put it in anywhere or show it to anyone but my close friends. Yep, those super silly things. I remember when I can literally hear my heart beat when he stood so close to me that day behind the whiteboard.

You are a sweet sweet person, you made that peanut butter cookies for everyone.
You said you love math and cooking, two things that I'm not really good at. But that's ok.
You love books I love books God please don't call this a coincidence.
You look good in pink I swear.
Now I remember what is your smile remind me of:


sunflowers!

looking back, shall we?

woa it's Jan 13 already. 2014!
let's looking back for awhile.

2013.
2013 was so complex.
I went through some drastic transitions.

I woke up one morning in January 1st. Counting down the days before the final exam. Cursing how short it was the new year holiday. Cursing how fast it was the time passes. Enjoying as much as I can my last months in senior year, enjoying the time I had to stare at my high school crush. It was silly back then.

I woke up one morning in the middle of February. I was going to apply to the State University National Entrance Selection. I already have made up my mind. I did picturing my future would be like. I was so sure with the university I applied to, which faculty will I take, I was a hundred percent sure. Eventho mum was a little hesitated with that, I did making plans. Perfect plans. I was depending on this entrance selection completely. I've prepared so much for this, I never let my score getting lower because they said if I did, I won't pass the selection. I gathered certificates and charter as much as I can to be my qualifications. I've prepared so much.

I woke up one morning in the second week of April. It was the final exams week. I could feel my blood rushing inside, excited yet scared at the same time. Stupid questions were struggling inside my head: how if I didn't make it? how if I disappointed mum and dad? how if I made it to the last rank?

I woke up one morning in April 23rd. I woke up so early because I had several things to do. In the evening, I walked with high heels for the first time. I walked slowly through the lobby, fixing my dress and my hair - making sure they're still doing well. I stared myself at the mirror for several times, making sure my make up didn't really heavy. I got in the ball room and no one was already there but a friend of mine preparing some stuff. The clock strikes 7, the ball room was getting crowded. It was one of the best nights I ever had. Though some close friends got their asses off the town already and missed it, but I sure had a great night. It was a perfect prom night.

I woke up one morning and it was June 9th. I got my stuff already packed.

I woke up one morning in the middle of June and far away from home. Felt hopeless, clueless, empty. Felt like being pushed to the limit, forced to run but nobody tells you the direction. Felt like trapped in a box, dark, cramped, confined. One morning after you realized your biggest dream has been wrecked, and there is no way to gather all the small pieces and fix it.

I was in the taxi, on my way to watch a basketball game with a few friends. Felt like somebody keeps punching my stomach. I keep holding my phone waiting for a call. It rang. It was mum. I made it. I graduated and the result was good. I burst into tears. I graduated from high school.

I woke up one morning in the first week of July. My eyes were hurt, I just got a few hours of sleep. I packed up my stuff all night long. My friends helped me to carry my suitcase downstairs and the taxi was already there. I was going back home, alone, broken-hearted.

Now I'm living my university life. And it's time to flip the calendar.
Nothing ever go the way you planned them to. No matter how perfect the plans were made.
We need to be realistic sometimes. Hopes are still hopes until you get up from your daydreaming. Hoping is never enough.





yes.
hoping is never enough.