do you?

i don't know how judging is such a habit nowadays.
you wear the same shirt from yesterday, people talk.
you forget to brush your hair, people talk.
your boots didn't match your jeans, people talk.
you listen to country song, people talk.
people talk. people judge.
and sometimes in a very awful way.

don't you ever think about it.
a girl you just called fat, is in a battle field, battling against herself. she is suffering inside. she hates her body, she hates herself. she cried on her sleep last night, over her weight gaining that went brutally insane. she keeps thinking about how to get the rid of those fat around her belly. she always get that sinful feeling after having breakfast, lunch, or dinner. but she can't change her eat-pattern, because whenever she feels sad, depressed, angry, she goes on eating. and this past year is really hard for her. and you just don't know about that.

a girl you just called ugly, got her heart wrecked, again. you don't know how many people doing that to her and you just making it worse, one more time. every girl has a dream to be as pretty as their favorite disney princesses when they were kids. so does she. she once believe a quote she had read: every girl is beautiful. but then came bad people out of nowhere. she has acne, her hair looks like a bird nest, she dressed up not as good as those pretty girls, she doesn't wear nice clothes, you have no idea what's behind her bitter smile. she can't afford nice clothes, or spa treatment, or hair treatment. she doesn't come from a wealthy family. she has four sisters, and her mother is a single parent. she just don't have time to think about those stuff. and you just don't know about that.

a girl you're making fun of, is having a very hard life lately. she didn't make it to the university of her dream. she ran out of her luck on the day they announced the entrance test result. her family is not in a good condition now. her father is a drug-addict. her mother is planning for a divorce. it's all just a mess. she is feeling sick about her life. she stays up all night creating stories inside her head, or wake up at 3 then crying until the sun rises. she is tired pretending like everything is okay. she got no one to talk to. you don't know how it feels like to stand inside her shoes. you don't know what version of life she is living in. you think it's fun to laugh at her, you make her feel miserable. and you just don't know about that.

everybody has their own battle fields.
some people feel hopeless, and they hide it.
what do you expect?
a world full of perfect flawless people?
you know that nobody's perfect, nobody has a perfect life, even you, don't you?
do you feel satisfied seeing somebody falls apart because of you?
are you that kind of person?




imagine what would your mom say if she knew her child is that kind of person.

realized

is anyone realized 2014 is coming in less than 31 days right away?

this year had been so rough, complicated, all the ups and downs were somehow frustrating. then, without you even have chance to notice, days keep passing by, clock keeps ticking, and all of sudden december is here already.

then you started thinking, what have you done in this whole year, what have you been through, was there any changes.

then you started feeling some sort of emotions. you just realized how miserable your life is. it feels like you're running toward a cliff, then it feels like you're trapped in a small island in the middle of the ocean alone, but you're not afraid, you're not feel any loneliness, because it's not the loneliness that scares you the most. you scared that you just like it to be alone, you scared that you will possibly build a fences around you just to keep people away without you ever realized.

then you realized who stays who left. who cares who just having curiosities. who's there to be laugh with but left when it's niagara falls on your eyes. you realized no one would stay when you on your low, though they say the would. no one you can count on, to listen to your stories without secretly judging you. no one worth your sleepless night thinking about 'em.

then you realized you're alone.

and you're fine with it.

fine.

you'll be fine.

i swear.

life lately

here are a couple pictures on my instagram lately:

hi, welcome to Uni life.

College starts on August. I made it to Tanjungpura University, International Management major. This university located on my hometown. Yes I'm staying here, after all.

This Uni life really keeping me busy. So many things to do if you're a freshman. I remember those orientation days, we stayed in campus for a whole day, three days straight.

Most of my girlfriends are moving outta town, continuing their college out of the town. It makes me really really really sad.

I got some nice new friends, though. My classmates in International Management major.

I'm trying to enjoy my freshmen year here as much as possible. I made a plan to try the Uni entrance test next year, actually.

Selipan

Aku kenal kamu.
Menurutku begitu.
Tidak pernah ada yang berarti dihari pertama itu.
Tembok masih kokoh. Kamu bukan apa apa.
Bukan serigala yang bisa meniup dinding bata hingga roboh.
Lalu hari,
jam,
menit,
detik,
bergulir terlalu cepat. Aku seperti tertinggal.

Entah berapa banyak yang kau selipkan.
atau mungkin tidak ada sama sekali.
atau mungkin mereka bukan selipan.
atau mungkin itulah mereka.
atau mungkin memang itulah adanya.
atau mungkin itu hanya aku.
atau mungkin terlalu banyak hingga kau letih mencoba.
hingga terlihat terlalu samar.
terlalu tumpul.
atau
aku yang seenaknya menyimpulkan?

Untukku
itu ada banyak.
aku hampir selalu menyelipkannya.
di sela sela kata.
di sela sela suara.
kadang ku gunakan sepersekian detik itu.
hanya untuk mencoba membaca.
tapi bahkan butuh beberapa jam
bagiku membaca buku, memahaminya.
aku tidak paham.
terlalu tumpul.
atau
kau memang berada di jalan yang lain?

Away

It's 00.00 when I started to write this.
I've been back home for 14 days and I don't know when will I be back to Jogja again. I took an university entrance test preparation for a month at Jogja, with my friends. I was really depressed and tired with finals stuff so I thought I need a refreshment, then I decided to go, away from home, for a month and a week.
I rented this small room, when I say small then it's literally a small one that only fits one, and stayed there while I was at Jogja.

My days in there was good, it was really good. Doing things I never done before like washing the dishes and do the laundry and going everywhere by foot (but if it's too far I prefer stop a taxi). I love the the foods, the traffic, the people, I love that big city. I thought it'll be awesome if I could spend my next three or four years here while I take the college. But you know, this University, where my biggest dream lies, it's hard to get in there.

I didn't pass the first chance to get in there, I remember the day I was reading the result on its official site, it says a formal sorry--that everyone in this earth knows that me and another kids who didn't pass this don't need!--and I didn't pass. I knocked me down really hard and I cried alot. Mom kept sending texts and got me in phone calls trying to boost me up. I was like losing my direction and clueless and again, being depressed.

Ok stop talking about those days. I didn't take many pictures while I was there...

Btw, I was finally had a chance to watch NBL! It is something I wanted since years ago and I finally able to got it! I was soooo excited and spending a lot of my money to bought the franchise :p and I LOVE taking pictures with the (hot) players part!

I hope I'll be back there, soon.

You probably don't remember.

I remember those things that you probably don't remember.
I remember you were lending me your shirt when I was all drenched from head-to-toe because of the rain.
I remember laid my head upon your shoulder during economics class and fell to sleep until the class was over.
I remember you laid your head upon my shoulder during the meeting and I knew you were falling to sleep.
I remember you were waiting there in the middle of the crowd, alone, waiting for me, then we had lunch together.
I remember watching you slept on our way of a study tour.
I remember which toppings you like for your waffles.
I remember you and me, at the game centre, being such two silly kids.
I remember those hours we spent, and the two cups of milk tea.
I remember gave you a nickname, then everyone started to call you the same, until now.
I remember being awake until midnight, helped you making a birthday present for your girlfriend.
I remember the time when you were just sitting there listening to me rambling about everything.
I remember you were the first one that came over to my 17th birthday dinner.
I remember you laughed at those cheesy novels because you hate cheesy things.
I remember that over sized plain grey t-shirt that we both have.
I remember those phone calls, one of them interrupted, because you were running out of phone credits.
I remember those text messages that left unanswered, and the sad faces.
I remember we couldn't see each other for a month, and you said you're missing me.
I remember those voice-notes you've sent. I saved them, in case I wanna hear them again later.
I remember had both lunch and dinner with you that day.
I remember that grey polo shirt you wore on the day we were going out when I came back to town.
I remember watching your back. As you walked away after spending the whole day with me.
I remember you said you can't change, and you let her go.
I remember you never say you love her to me.
I remember those heartaches.
I remember we were not talking to each other for 19 days.
I remember you said sorry.
I remember those funny faces you made, making me wanted to slap you.
I remember so many things that take too long to write.
We both are heading to another step of our lives.
We might be apart.
We might not see each other as often as we do now.
We might find another ones, though that's the worst thing I will ever imagine.
I might be laugh so hard when I read this in the next 10 years.
Laugh at how precious these memories we've had, how big you got the role in my teen-life-drama.
Laugh at how I was afraid of what I felt. How I tried to hide them.
We're going through so many things.
I'm thanking you for them, Sir.








Please don't be in love with someone else, again.

Promnite SMAN 7 Pontianak: Sweet Disposition, April 23rd 2013 (at) Mercure Hotel

Hey, listen

Feb 3rd!

warning: fangirling alert

It's February 3rd!
Happy birthday Cho Kyu Hyun!

I joined his birthday project since December 2011. I had to send postcards from my hometown and it was really hard for me to find them and in the end I had to created them by myself (yes, I made them). I really want to put the picture of them here but I got a lack of connection this time so I can't upload them. I'll post them soon.
I got six postcards (I wish I sent more than that cz when I checked the website there was somebody who sent 25 postcards!!) and I wrote them all night long. I tried to write them in Hangeul but it was really hard and confusing and I gave up so I wrote them in English instead.

After I sent it through post, I was so mad about the post service I got here. They say my postcards will be arrived to one of this project's representatives (who is living in the other city) in less than 5 days. But it has arrived two weeks later. I thought mine would never make it until the deadline:-|

They combined all postcards from around the world in an album and today they're sending it straight to Kyu! I wish he would tweet about our postcards album :-)

Once again, happy birthday our dearest dazzling magnae, 조규현!
Thanks for being exist, thanks for the songs you've sung, thanks for being the part of SJ, thanks for (though you don't know about this) sing me to sleep everynight. 사랑해!

pictures credits 1 2 3

Hanya Isyarat

Kau membelakangiku. 

Ku nikmati bayangmu.  

Itulah saja cara yang bisa 

untukku menghayatimu, 

untuk mencintaimu. 

                               - Dee Lestari

so damn true.

picture via

Tons of luck!

So, how's 2013 so far?
Beberapa bulan kedepan aku bakalan susah bernafas dengan lega soalnya HERE COMES THOSE MONTHS BEFORE FINAL EXAMINATION (Ok, sorry, no need capslock on sebenarnya, biar kesannya aku tereak gitu biar dapet intonasinya). Iya. Ujian Nasional. Beberapa teman masih banyak yang merasa masa depannya terkatung - katung karena belum tau nantinya mau lanjutin kuliah apa, kemana. I'm not that clueless actually. I know where I want to go. Aku sebenernya udah tau mau ambil apa dan kemana nantinya. Tapi, hey, not everything in this earth considered upon your hands, right? Meskipun tau mau apa, belum tentu nantinya berhasil lolos kesana kan? I'm not a pessimist, tbh. I would do everything I could to get in there, though it means I should work harder, think bigger, and more sleepless night... I believe God is in my way. :-)

Well, people are talking about their 2012. Hahaha I know I should post this before the clock strikes 12 on Dec 31st, seharusnya. 2012 adalah taun that I'm finally turning 17. Udah gede, harusnya bisa nentuin yang mana yang worth to fight, yang mana yang wasting time.
2012 adalah taun dengan kenangan bulan puasanya paling buruk. Sangat sangat buruk. Like.. if I could, I wish what happened that time could be disappear, like never happens. I had a big big big fight with dad. And I hate to bring that thing up. Anyone here knows how it feels, when you see someone you love's eyes, those eyes seem so strange, so different, like stranger's eyes? I know how it feels. And it cuts me.
2012 adalah taun terakhir aku aktif di basket smunju, taun terakhir rutin ngabisin waktu dengan bola dan ring. Sedih banget rasanya, like something is missing here... LBP jadi event basket terakhir di SMA. Hiks. (Keep going guys! Taun taun depan kalian harus bangkitin prestasi smunju yang dulu dulu itu, yang katanya unbeatable, yang katanya beken banget itu hahaha ayo ada yang susul Bonanza sama bang Rizal sana ke NBL :-p) Gotta miss spending time with you guys, my nicest teammates.. *hug*
Banyak banget kenangan 2012, just like any other past years. I wish I could retrieve them back. I wish for another blessed year. Semoga 2013 berjalan sesuai harapan kita. Tons of luck for 2013! mwah!

All I can say after everything is ffffiuuuhhhh...

Akhirnya blog ini kembali normal. Yea. I know what had happened. Dengan segala ke sok pintaran aku, tadinya blog ini jadi hancur, semuanya mencong mencong. I was trying to make my own template using Artisteer and... damn. I screwed up everything here. Kemaren itu bener bener clueless dan udah mau delete aja blog ini trus bikin blog baru. But I was too sad to do it cz I've been with this blog for almost three years...;-( (walaupun aku tau ya isinya ga informatif, ga berguna, cenderung berisi tulisan-tulisan bertema klasik khas anak SMA... yea, I know right). Jadi dengan segenap hati yang telah luluh lantak, aku berhasil mengembalikan blog ini dengan keadaan normal. *confetti*

pictures via 1 2