A Letter To My 10yo Self

When I was wandering around Thought Catalog during Operation Research class (I did it to keep myself from being sleepy during the class!), I found a really interesting post from Nicole Dolores. Her post titled "A letter to my 11-years-old self", you can read it here  -> x.

Then, I started to think to make one too. I tried so hard to remember in what age I still felt like the world is completely fine—the only thing that can hurt my feelings is when mom didn't let me play outside with kids my age, and forced me to take some nap when I don't even feel to do so.  I think when I was in fourth grade, something that really matter to me was having a group of people that I can call as BFF. It was when I was 10. I watched too much soap operas, and I acted like Anna from Amigos at school. And, I think fourth grade is the time when I started to look for who I truly am, which people I could call as BFF, first crush, all those super silly stuff. So, I want to write a letter to my 10 years old self.

Hello, you.
Me.
Yeah, fourth grader me.

This is December already and just to let you know that you're gonna turn 20 in less than 11 months. Do not freak out, okay? Because, well, it will happen anyway. I know you always imagine how will you look like when you're 20 something because I know you watched those awful soap operas everyday on tv. Ah, first thing I want you to do is please stop watching them because what they show you, none of them is true. Real life is more cruel than a pack of mean girls locking you inside the school toilet. Or high school skirt is not that short. Or the head of school council is always the "it" guy. Oops.

I think you just started to be sure that later you want to be an architect, aren't you? But not like a hundred percent sure because mom said you have to be really good at math and the fact is you are really suck at it. The only thing you know you are really good at is drawing. Then, let me guess, you had this kind of thought like "I can work it out, I still have.. how many? years! to learn math!" yep, that's true. Still long years ahead before college, right? But I'm gonna tell you this: things are not always work out the way you wanted them to. Failure is a common thing. Every single person alive on earth experienced it. Don't ever lose your strength once you face it. God always have a plan for you, and sometimes God's plan is better than yours. You just have to believe. I'm not intending to make you down and stop dreaming to be an architect, don't you even dare to stop dreaming about that. You still have your drawings hanging on the wall, don't you? And that one drawing that hung by dad? Keep them. Draw as many drawings as you can because, I'm telling you, you'll find it so hard to have such a spare time to do it. And math? pffft. Hang on for the next few years and it's gonna be your piece of cake.

One thing that excites you to go to school everyday is meeting your friends, am I right? You feel like they are your BFF, you're gonna be with them like forever, you're gonna make it to junior high, senior high, college, together. I think this will make you a little cringy, but people don't always stay. Most people are like the weather, they changed constantly. Don't be too attach to a person, because in the end they are just strangers that happened to be your friends. It's natural, you know. You'll change too, it will take some time. The way you think, the way you see people, the way you interact with new people, it will never be the same as you are now. Do you get it so far? Just don't be too attach to other people or you'll face such a hard time once you find they're not there anymore. Some tips for you: don't lose yourself too far when you hit junior high. Life is not a one fine sunny day in the park surrounded by tulips and roses, stop thinking like you're the coolest person hanging with cool people talking about cool stuff—Bieber will be such a sloppy douché in a few years, sorry for being such a spoiler. Remember: weather never stay the same for a long period of time. When you go to senior high, don't waste your time recovering yourself. Don't put yourself inside a giant bubble hating everyone then sign up for that student exchange program you missed on 10th grade—take a note for this, please. The year when high school is finally over, I want you to know it's okay to feel pressured. Do you ever wonder how does it feel like to wake up in the morning feeling numb, empty, lost, and faraway from home? But then again, failure is a common thing. And some even say that failure is just the beginning for something good. But it's okay to feel like your world is completely shattered for once, because it will make you even stronger.
In the end you'll be totally fine. You've worked really hard. You should be proud of yourself.

Let's talk about something "girly" here. I think I won't spoil it to you how many guys you'll date until you turn 19. And if you knew who will be your first boyfriend, you'll be like "seriously???!!!". I bet. And, no. I won't tell.
But the record is not pretty impressive, tho. Don't take the lovey dovey stuff too serious, little me. Because there are many greater things to worry about. Don't say you love someone easily, and don't believe it when a boy says he loves you easily either. Or you'll end up throwing a cute stuff animal into a trash can and crying on the phone with your friend. And removing him from your Facebook friends list. And facing a plenty of awkward moments at school. Think about that.
Oh, and, please watch your eating habit. You don't feel anything for now when you eat a bucket of chicken wings but you'll regret them later. I'm typing this while eating raw carrots and steamed tofu right now. For lunch. The price for a wings bucket from KFC is not really IDR70, I'm telling you. The real price for it is peach yogurt in the morning, steamed tofu for lunch, sugar free green tea for dinner, and zumba class on weekend.

You have to know that it is so lucky to be you. Love yourself, laugh as much as possible, learn as many things as you possibly can. You'll get so many opportunities, you'll have so many chances. Don't stop chasing your dreams—create as many dreams as you can. Mom might becoming a little bit annoying to you as you grow up because you'll think you and her have the opposite personalities, but the real thing is, she is trying to guard you. She knows once you fell off, it's hard for you to get up. So she is keeping you from things that might knock you down to the ground. And surprisingly, she is right about that. Stop creating stupid runaway plans inside your head from now on.


Hey, you know what? You have dad's eyes and mom's lips. At least they are still together in there. :)

Last Week of Holiday

I'm sitting in front of my laptop right now, groaning, that the first day of third semester starts tomorrow. And even worse, I get three classes a row. On the first day! heck―definitely will stop by to a mini market nearby and buy some chocolate bars to bring the mood back after that. But in the other side, I have to work my ass off in this semester. My GPA for the 2nd semester was disappointing. I got some Bs for some classes that I thought I've done them well. Well, all you can do is keep guessing how exactly lecturers scoring you out anyway. They could seem really nice but end up giving you B, I told you. (And ironically, my mom is a lecturer in agriculture faculty. Oh, snap.)


At least my last week of holiday went great.

I went to Malaysia and Singapore with my classmates, it was the ten of us, and also our lecturers. This city I'm living in is in the same island with a part of Malaysia. You can go to Kuching in 8 hours by bus from here. So, Kuching was our first destination. We stayed only for one night in Kuching, in a very nice hotel. I don't know about the other rooms, but the room I got with my two friends was great! It has balcony that leads you to the riverside, so you can see sunset and sunrise from there. And, I don't know is it right or not, they said this hotel is considered cheap for such services (the very nice room, the bathroom, everything). If  had a chance to go to Kuching sooner or later, I would definitely stay in there, in that room I got. Sadly, it was only for one night. We arrived at the hotel at 10am, dropped our belongings, and strolled around Kuching until night.

Tomorrow morning we rushed to the airport, took a flight to Senai. From Senai we went to Johor and stayed in a small lodge in there. Can't describe much about the lodge, our hotel in Kuching is much much better (but their bathroom was nice, I gave 7 out of 10). Then we went to Singapore from Johor by bus. I can't imagine if I stayed in Johor, I would go to Singapore every weekend! But before we reach Singapore, we stopped by in Putrajaya, to a super big mosque that I didn't even remember the name I guess I already gone looking for food while my lecturer explained about it. We arrived at Singapore at 2pm and we were going around in such a rush, really. We went back to Johor at 11pm. Such a short time, I will definitely be back to Singapore later.

The next and the last destination was Kuala Lumpur. We stayed in Kuala Lumpur for four days. But I can't give any comment about the hotel we stayed in. I wish the travel could find any better hotel. So ironic, we stayed the longest in Kuala Lumpur but got the worst hotel to stay among all the hotel and lodge we've been stayed in that trip. If you love to shopping so much, I recommend you Sungei Wang Plaza. It was really big, so big until I came out buying nothing. I'm a bad shopper, I gotta admit. I was so confused of what to buy and my friend ended up buying all the stuff I was going to buy but too much consideration then I put them back.

I love strolling around Kuala Lumpur at night by walk. The tour guide dropped us back to hotel around 9 or 10pm, then we got free time. I spent mostly our free time strolling around looking for Burger King or McD or KFC, because one thing I hate about Kuala Lumpur: so many Indian foods. I can't keep eating curry or anything related, it doesn't feel good in my tummy. The best food I ate in Kuala Lumpur was sushi I bought at Sungei Wang Plaza. I really looking forward to go to Singapore and Kuala Lumpur again later, especially Singapore. 9 hours was definitely such a short time to be spent in there. The trip was great, I never been to Singapore before, and the last time I went to Malaysia is when I was three.



I still long for beach. Really.

all pictures taken with iPod 5, edited with vsco, mostly preset LV1.

a super short escape

I took several days to Jakarta last month, in the middle of hectic weeks of college. I skipped some classes but thank God it didn't bring any trouble in the end. /phew/
Anyway, I never really wander around Jakarta before, to be honest. I did going there for a few times, but only for transits. Jakarta seems to crowded and overwhelming for me somehow. It was Asian Dream Cup 2014 that made me running away for a while. We almost can not go because of some issues, but I'm glad we made it.
I went only for four days, because mom didn't allow me to skip more than three classes. But it was great, I got off from here with a friend then met some other friends in there. We stayed in my friend's aunt's house in the first two nights and moved to a lodging in the last night. The lodging was a pretty good place to stay, I guess I'll stay there if I could go to Jakarta anytime soon. (additional info, or, well, you can also call this a personal news flash: The Lost Planet Indonesia's official date has been revealed. It will be on September 6. With saying "anytime soon" I wish I could make it to go for The Lost Planet. Been such a depressed fangirl lately..)
It was a super short escape before finals (eventhough I ate sushi for two days straight!) and I can't wait for August. I'll go on a trip to KL and SG with the whole classmates for five days. Another super short escape before starting a new semester, I guess?
I'll be back with a bunch of pictures!



if I've got time.

You'll always be missed

"Why stay stuck in the city
when you can go on treasure hunting
in the forest."

You put it as a caption of a picture you posted on your Instagram.
I remember that day. The day when the orientation week just started. I've known you before, even since high school year, eventho we went to different high schools. I forgot my first impression of you, I didn't remember how can we got to know each other. I think we didn't introduce ourselves, we just knew each other because we were hanging with the same group of people.

We weren't really close. Even when we were finally being classmates, we weren't really close. But I always have one thing to describe you since I've known you: you are really pretty. I remember one Saturday night when we accidentally met at the mall, you showed up with your boyfriend saying hi to us. And you looked fascinating, it made me ashamed a little bit. Because I was wearing an oversized tshirt with jeans and slip-on, while you looked fabulous from the head to your toe, you looked like a girl that came up right from the magazine I usually read.

I always have things to envy over you. Every piece of clothes looks good on you. You know how to put make up, something that I, as a girl, never touch. You do fashion well. It confuses me why didn't you go to fashion school or such thing.

You were so funny. Everybody loves you. People always have something to laugh about you. You, a girl who skipped classes quite often. Who always forgot to do assignments. Who got lecturers mad at you because you were such a mess and sometimes people just misunderstood your "shut-up-bitch-i-dont-give-a-f*ck" face.

You gave me a picture of you smiling, something that rarely happens―you, taking a selfie with smiles, because straight face suits you well―for my 18th birthday, a present, you said. You threw compliments with your own way, you talked straight to the point. Like the day when I wore blazer to campus for the very first time and you shouted to me "you look so pretty!" but I was like "what..." and then you just "what? you never been told that you are pretty?!" and you were the first person who said my new haircut was good.

It is funny because I never thought I will post this kind of post, I never thought that I will post something about you. But all of us here still hoping that this is just a joke, it feels unreal.
You'll always be missed.
You'll always be a part of us.
How is it there so far?
Have you found the treasures yet?

Ervita Putri Azanti
17/06/1995 - 13/05/2014

Trapped

It's raining for a whole day. I skipped microeconomics class, instead I laid on the couch watching Adventure Time and having warm soy milk mom bought for me all morning. I felt a little break-down yesterday, but I kinda felt so wrong too. And this feeling hasn't leave me until today.

I saw someone is on her way chasing her dream and she is so close already. I supposed to feel happy for her since she is my friend, but I just can't. I feel pathetic. I have so many dreams, I wrote them down, I hung them on my wall, I mentioned them in every single pray, but I realized: I never really do something. I never really do something to get closer to those dreams. This year I'm going 19, and then 20, then 21 then so on. All that I got are failures. Doors closed. Big white walls to blocked me. I'm such a moron.

I'm trapped. Trapped in this small city while my mind keeps drifting away, it kills me. Sometimes I get fed up with the sidewalks, the trees, the places. Sometimes I feel so strange, I don't get those people. Sometimes I want to know how it feels like to miss home so badly until I can't hold my feet from heading to the airport. Sometimes I want to know how it feels being a hundred thousand miles away from here, meeting new faces, dress up wearing knee boots and fur coat walking down the street, dye my hair with shcoking colors I don't care I'll be look like an asian nicki minaj they don't know who I am anyway. This city reminds me so many painful things, things I want to let go. I want to try to be somebody new, starting over, people have no idea about who I was. I want to speak another languages, I want to get off my roots for awhile.








Why can't I?
Why don't you let my feet go?

"...but at the time, I just saw Alaska up there. And it was big, just like I wanted to be. And it was damn far away from Vine Station, Alabama, just like I wanted to be."
Looking For Alaska ; page 53

dear you, a happy happy person you

It's been months I'm not posting anything here. I don't even have time for naps lately /sobs/
Well, I got some days off for this week (days off during mid term week - doesn't it sound awesome? yea) and I think I have to clear these spiderwebs out of my page :0

Ok. Here we go.
I scrolled down this blog and realized something: all the stuff I've posted were sad and blue and boring. I started thinking "god I sound like moaning myrtle all the time"
Then, considering a few things, I decided to post something different and (actually) doesn't sound like me, I basically hate this thing.
I hate cheesy thing.

I've fallen for someone lately.


Yes, yes, I'm living the life where I keep listening to catchy love songs, dreaming about the same person quite often, replying my conversation with this person over and over again inside my head everytime I'm on a daydream, and etc etc.
God, really, I don't know what am I talking about.
I found this crush stuff is pretty fascinating. You know, it is not something serious that makes you wondering all the time, but makes you happier instead. I'm a happier person everytime he is around me and I'm still that happy person when he is not. This feels so light, so easy, like I found my favorite flavor of candy.
I love to listen to his hummings when he is in the middle of something, and I fall asleep smiling remembering those hummings at night. I laugh at stupid things he did, in every five minutes when we meet. I'm keeping the picture of us only for myself, I didn't put it in anywhere or show it to anyone but my close friends. Yep, those super silly things. I remember when I can literally hear my heart beat when he stood so close to me that day behind the whiteboard.

You are a sweet sweet person, you made that peanut butter cookies for everyone.
You said you love math and cooking, two things that I'm not really good at. But that's ok.
You love books I love books God please don't call this a coincidence.
You look good in pink I swear.
Now I remember what is your smile remind me of:


sunflowers!

looking back, shall we?

woa it's Jan 13 already. 2014!
let's looking back for awhile.

2013.
2013 was so complex.
I went through some drastic transitions.

I woke up one morning in January 1st. Counting down the days before the final exam. Cursing how short it was the new year holiday. Cursing how fast it was the time passes. Enjoying as much as I can my last months in senior year, enjoying the time I had to stare at my high school crush. It was silly back then.

I woke up one morning in the middle of February. I was going to apply to the State University National Entrance Selection. I already have made up my mind. I did picturing my future would be like. I was so sure with the university I applied to, which faculty will I take, I was a hundred percent sure. Eventho mum was a little hesitated with that, I did making plans. Perfect plans. I was depending on this entrance selection completely. I've prepared so much for this, I never let my score getting lower because they said if I did, I won't pass the selection. I gathered certificates and charter as much as I can to be my qualifications. I've prepared so much.

I woke up one morning in the second week of April. It was the final exams week. I could feel my blood rushing inside, excited yet scared at the same time. Stupid questions were struggling inside my head: how if I didn't make it? how if I disappointed mum and dad? how if I made it to the last rank?

I woke up one morning in April 23rd. I woke up so early because I had several things to do. In the evening, I walked with high heels for the first time. I walked slowly through the lobby, fixing my dress and my hair - making sure they're still doing well. I stared myself at the mirror for several times, making sure my make up didn't really heavy. I got in the ball room and no one was already there but a friend of mine preparing some stuff. The clock strikes 7, the ball room was getting crowded. It was one of the best nights I ever had. Though some close friends got their asses off the town already and missed it, but I sure had a great night. It was a perfect prom night.

I woke up one morning and it was June 9th. I got my stuff already packed.

I woke up one morning in the middle of June and far away from home. Felt hopeless, clueless, empty. Felt like being pushed to the limit, forced to run but nobody tells you the direction. Felt like trapped in a box, dark, cramped, confined. One morning after you realized your biggest dream has been wrecked, and there is no way to gather all the small pieces and fix it.

I was in the taxi, on my way to watch a basketball game with a few friends. Felt like somebody keeps punching my stomach. I keep holding my phone waiting for a call. It rang. It was mum. I made it. I graduated and the result was good. I burst into tears. I graduated from high school.

I woke up one morning in the first week of July. My eyes were hurt, I just got a few hours of sleep. I packed up my stuff all night long. My friends helped me to carry my suitcase downstairs and the taxi was already there. I was going back home, alone, broken-hearted.

Now I'm living my university life. And it's time to flip the calendar.
Nothing ever go the way you planned them to. No matter how perfect the plans were made.
We need to be realistic sometimes. Hopes are still hopes until you get up from your daydreaming. Hoping is never enough.





yes.
hoping is never enough.